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Can we have a photo? the children asked Amanda. ‘Sure, I’ll get Piers to take it…’

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 Tuesday, July 14

When Raheem Sterling joined Manchester City in 2015 for a staggering £49 million, making him the most expensive English footballer ever aged just 20, widespread mockery erupted on social media, including from myself. And when he only scored six goals in his first year as City finished fourth in the Premier League, our scepticism seemed vindicated.

Then Pep Guardiola took over as manager, transformed the team into a trophy-guzzling machine and coached Sterling into becoming one of the best players on the planet, with a current valuation of £185 million.

I reluctantly took the picture (above), which Amanda immediately posted to Instagram with the words: ‘Thrilled to be known and asked for a photo from these lovely children from the Netherlands… photographer Piers Morgan (no clue who he is)’

I reluctantly took the picture (above), which Amanda immediately posted to Instagram with the words: ‘Thrilled to be known and asked for a photo from these lovely children from the Netherlands… photographer Piers Morgan (no clue who he is)’

The young striker, who’s also become a very impressive anti-racism campaigner, is now having the last laugh on those who doubted him.

Today he re-posted the damning words I tweeted four years ago about his transfer – ‘If Raheem Sterling’s worth £49 million then I’m an aardvark’ – and added three chuckling emojis with the words ‘now this is even funnier Piers…’

I’ve never met Sterling, but I admire anyone who shoves critics’ words down their throats as spectacularly as he’s done.

Thursday, July 16

TV regulator Ofcom has received a number of complaints after I branded Boris Johnson’s chief aide Dominic Cummings a ‘rat-faced weasel’ on Good Morning Britain. On reflection, I would like to sincerely apologise – to any rats and weasels who were offended.

Saturday, July 18

Arsenal beat Manchester City 2-0 in the FA Cup semi-final today, in a shocking upset. ‘Hi mate,’ I tweeted Raheem Sterling, with a few of my own chuckling emojis.

He didn’t reply. So, I sent him a Direct Message: ‘Never underestimate aardvarks, they eat 50,000 ants a night.’

Thursday, July 23

Lunch at Club 55 in St Tropez with Amanda Holden and her family, and ex-Formula One racing driver David Coulthard and his wife Karen. Amanda was full of sympathy for my sprained ankle, after breaking her own leg on holiday last year.

‘You’ll lose all the power in it and everything will feel very floppy… so, much like the rest of your body really!’ she cackled.

Halfway through the meal a group of young children arrived at the table with excited smiles. ‘Oh no,’ sighed Amanda, ‘if these are your fans, I’ll have to leave. I can’t take any more of this new Piers Morgan National Treasure b*******.’

‘Allo,’ said the eldest in a Dutch accent. ‘It is, yes?’

‘It is,’ I beamed.

‘Britain’s Got Talent, yes?’

‘Yes!’ I exclaimed, delighted that my stint on BGT still resonates with the youth of today. Then, to my horror, I suddenly realised she was looking behind me.

‘AMANDA!’ they all squealed in unison.

‘YES!’ Ms Holden squealed back, leaping from her seat like she’d just been injected with liquid Viagra.

‘Could we have a photo?’ they pleaded.

‘Of course! I’ll get Piers to take it. Do you know him?’ The children peered at me with total uninterest. ‘No. Who is he?’

My own four children promptly fell about laughing. There’s nothing they enjoy more than seeing their father’s ego pricked so humiliatingly.

I reluctantly took the picture (above), which Amanda immediately posted to Instagram with the words: ‘Thrilled to be known and asked for a photo from these lovely children from the Netherlands… photographer Piers Morgan (no clue who he is).’

After I recovered from this crushing blow, I asked Coulthard who would win a race if all the best drivers in history competed in the same car. ‘Ayrton Senna,’ he replied, immediately. ‘That’s not to diminish the achievements of great drivers like Clark, Schumacher and Hamilton, but Ayrton was a genius. He was the most natural and fastest racer, a relentlessly competitive perfectionist who redefined the limits of what could be done in a car, and the biggest star the sport has ever had. When he walked in a room, it fell silent. Men wanted to be him – and women adored him.’

My sons suddenly got very excited. ‘Dad – Raheem Sterling’s sitting two tables away!’

I hobbled straight over.

‘Mr Sterling! We meet at last.’

‘Oh no…’ he chuckled, ‘you’re the last person I want to see!’

We had a friendly chat.

‘Sorry about the aardvark tweet,’ I said.

‘No need to apologise,’ he grinned. ‘You might be annoying at times but I respect the way you express your true opinions and challenge people to open up their minds. I’ve also enjoyed proving you wrong… hahaha.’

Friday, July 24

BBC news queen Emily Maitlis is Tatler’s new cover star and has given the magazine an interview in which she discusses our long-time friendship.

‘I think of Piers as someone who’s incredibly loyal,’ she said. ‘I know if I was in prison, Piers Morgan would come and see me. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing but he’d be there. And I like the fact that I can have a row with him without it affecting our friendship – I don’t think I’ve ever had dinner with him without it ending in a massive row.’

This is all true, though you’d probably get better odds on Emily visiting ME in prison – she’d do anything to get the first interview.

Saturday, July 25

Dinner at the stunning Ramatuelle home of nutritionist to the stars Gabriela Peacock, with a fun group including Dame Joan Collins and singer James Blunt. ‘How’s your foot?’ he asked, as I stumbled in like a one-legged donkey.

‘Almost as painful as your new album,’ I replied.

He laughed. Blunt’s not like most celebrities – he loves people mocking him and mocking himself.

He told a very funny story about the time he was invited to a star-studded party with Bill Clinton. ‘Cher came up to me and said, “I wanted to tell you how much I really like your work and how much I wanted to meet you.” I couldn’t believe it, this was CHER! I felt very special. I thanked her, and she walked away. Then a few minutes later she came back and said, “I’m so sorry, I thought you were someone else.”’

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